Meghanarchy

2010 was a great year for me. I tried dating, learned it was stupid. I went on trips by myself and learned how exciting it was to travel by myself. I learned how to be my own person. How to love myself. And how to love and trust someone else again.

But, as we all say, all good things must come to an end. It’s a new year now. And so far January has turned out to be an awful month. I did go on a trip and met up with some friends in California, that was a blast. But once I got back, life started to fall apart. I hate to be dramatic, I really do. But for the last week, I get out of bed solely to go to work or go to school. When I’m home, I’m in bed, crying, watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not eating, I’m trying to drink water, but that’s what I do when I’m nervous anyway. I throw up in the shower from my nerves. I’m pretty much out of clean clothes. And I pretty much have no one to hug me.

So this is where 2011 has started for me. In bed. Sad. Frustrated. Worried. Shaking. Having dreams about being lost and getting panicked and having no one to tell me anything helpful.

Maybe it’s time for a refresher course. To learn to love myself again instead of someone else. To learn to be my own person instead of rearranging my schedule for someone else.

I don’t know. Time will tell. And it will hurt. And I still won’t eat. And I still won’t get out of bed. And I will still wretch in the shower from my nerves. But maybe things will turn out better on the other side. I know that 2010 started out shitty with a breakup. Let’s see what 2011 has to bring.