Meghanarchy

Last night I saw The Back- Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez and Alex O’Loughlin. I admit it. I did. I even paid money. A whole $11. And ya know what? I pay money to see Katherine Heigl movies too. Sorry, I’m a bit defensive. Because I know that these movies are horrendous and are some of the most anti-women movies out there. I know they provide stereotypes in miniskirts and stillettos. But they’re light hearted, and I’m going for a theme, not a bible. Yes, I do go through movies saying “Oh fuck that, she doesn’t need him. Why couldn’t she have just walked away?!” I do. So it’s not as if I’m watching movies and sucking it all in like Osmosis Jones (I don’t even know if that’s a correct allusion; I don’t even know who Osmosis Jones is).

Well, I had extreme issues with The Back-Up Plan. Go figure, right? The movie starts out with a woman who is trying to fill holes with a baby. Healthy, right? She has a friend who is a mother and hates her children and after- 4 childbirths-body. Then she joins a single mothers support group that is only populated by “bizarre alternative women.” One woman is breastfeeding a child at 3, most look gothic, most have tattoos, and a fair amount seem to be lesbians. Jennifer Lopez’s character is the only seemingly “normal” one. Then along comes the gorgeous Alex O’Loughlin (sorry, I’m attracted to pale, scruffy, and dark hair) who “messes up her whole plan” to be a single mother. He sweeps her off her feet and is there for her every step of the way and even tries to tell her she’s crazy when she’s pushes him away.

All right, I get it, storyline. She has commitment issues. Who doesn’t? But they make her out to be the most unstable human being. And once she becomes at least 7 months pregnant, her entire character sort of becomes a joke. She tosses back McDonalds like it’s no body’s business, she looks like a slob, and has really awkward sex drives. I think the biggest issue I have with this movie is the way they portray the journey of motherhood.

Now, I am not a mother, and placenta and fetuses creep me out at this stage in my life, but I would never go around making it look like a disgusting joke. The purchasing of bottles and strollers is comedic, yes. But trying to make water births and a woman in labor seem like the last scene from Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is not fair. Lopez and O’Loughlin walk away from the birth looking like they have just been traumatized. Rightfully so, considering they wanted to make the whole thing seem like a cult ritual. Sookie from the Gilmore Girls (sorry that’s how she is referred to in my house) walks around with a drum, the woman in labor makes strange bellowing and cackling noises, all of the women act like possessed animal wranglers. They have an ode to a loosened bowel during labor and have one of the women scoop it out of the kiddie pool with a goldfish net. Then at the end of the scene, Lopez accidentally falls face first into the pool. Yeah. Sounds ridiculous? That’s because it was. I walked away feeling a little offended by the entire movie.

It was cute, sure. O’Loughlin has a body I’d love to fry an egg off of, yes. But really? It had to be done this way? And I mean I know the script is trying to convey that Lopez’s character doesn’t have to go through life scared and alone, babyless and baby-daddyless but…. it all sorta seems like… Here’s a woman who is dead set on doing it alone. But ya know what? She doesn’t need to. Because a man will always be there to pick up the pieces and make a family. And all the women that didn’t have conventional families are crazy and weird. 

Hurrumph. Sorry. I really wanted to enjoy that movie. It looked cute. Right? Cute? I guess it didn’t. But I was hoping I wasn’t going to sit through the whole movie judging it. Well, my mistake.

btw, sorry for all the spoilers but really, do the trailers not give away anything I just said?

ps- I love Bitch Media.